The Good Listener


For those who do not know me, I think I am a pretty nice guy, but I can be a bit of a grouch. I work in an auto parts store and sometimes our customers, Lord love ‘em, get frustrated because they do not know what they want. Or they are afraid they are facing some huge repair bill and want me to come up with something magical to fix their problem. Sometimes when they leave, I’m glad to see them go and I have something sarcastic to say about them.
I was finishing a sale with a customer the other day when another gentleman walked in. My co-worker was not busy, but the new customer seemed to be waiting for me. He approached my counter, and in a very low voice began to tell me what he wanted. I am a little hard of hearing, so I leaned forward and asked him to repeat what he said. I watched his lips as he spoke; sometimes that helps me understand. The second time he spoke, I could tell he had some sort of speech impediment.
It took a couple of seconds, but from what he was describing I figured out what sort of car he had and what part he wanted. I looked it up and went to the back to get it.
I brought it back to the counter, took it out of the box and showed it to him. The man’s eyes lit up and he pointed at the small electrical component letting me know that it was just what he needed. I smiled and began ringing up the purchase.
My customer was probably in his 60’s, clean shaven and dressed in a nice shirt and slacks with shined shoes. He also wore a tan fedora with the brim turned up all the way around. As I took his payment, he spoke again in his low, halting manner. He told me he always came to my store and waited for me to wait on him because I always listened and tried to understand what he wanted. He went on to say that the people at the other parts stores did not try to help him and often told him they could not understand him.
“ It har whe a can tawk pla…peop don wan lis…yo gu lisser…”
I just smiled and told him to come see me anytime and together we would figure out what he needed. My customer smiled, took his change and his purchase, turned and walked toward the door. As he walked out he turned and waved. It was funny; he looked as if he were standing up a little straighter than when he came in. I waved back and had not one word to say…and I felt as if I might be standing up a little straighter myself.

A 'New' American Folk Song

We have all heard the American folk song ‘Shortnin’ Bread:

“Mama’s little baby loves shortnin’, shortnin’, mama’s little baby loves shortnin’ bread!”

Now the stage is set so on to the parody.

The country’s economy is in big trouble and unless the president and Washington lawmakers can reach an agreement concerning national debt ceiling, it will only get worse. But all is not lost! If the economy tanks completely the government will have to take care of us! Here’s where a classic folk song comes into play. It is set to the tune of Shortnin’ Bread and it goes something like this…actually, it goes exactly like this…

Gub’mint Cheese

Tell all your chillun’, run tell your mama,

For what’s coming up, we’ll have to thank Obama!

The economy is bad, we’re down on our knees,

And we’ll soon be living on gub’mint cheese!

All the little chillum eatin’ gub’mint, gub’mint,

All the little chillum eatin’ gub’mint cheese!

The Democrats, they ain’t learned yet,

You just can’t spend your way out of debt,

We’ve begged them to stop,

Oh, please, please, please!

Or we’ll soon be living on gub’mint cheese!

Republicans and Democrats,

Eatin’ that, eatin that,

Tea Party members eaitn’ gub’mint cheese!

Can’t settle on a budget, the dollar is down,

And there just ain’t no jobs to be found!

We’ve got more trouble than a dog’s got fleas,

And we’ll soon be living on gub’mint cheese!

We’ll all be eatin’ that, gub’mint, gub’mint,

Getting constipated on gub’mint cheese!

Just a side note, I have eaten gub’mint cheese. It’s not so bad if you don’t mind the fact that it will not melt even when exposed to high temperatures and will back you up like Ann Street at 5 pm. I just don’t want it to be the main part of my diet!

God's Pennies

In the 1983 comedy The Man with Two Brains, Steve Martin plays a young doctor who has recently become a widower. Devastated and lonely, he soon meets a young woman who, as the viewer can see, is nothing more than a cold blooded gold-digger who marries men for their money and then discards them like so much trash.

Unsure about what to do, Martin stands before a huge portrait of his dearly departed wife asking permission to pursue this new love interest, He says to the portrait, “If this is wrong, give me a sign!” Immediately the wind starts to howl, lightening flashes, the house shakes, and the audience can hear the eerie voice of Martin’s dead wife screaming, “No, no, no!”. Martin, ignoring the obvious warning, says, “I knew you’d understand!” and happily runs out to court his new girlfriend.

For three years I logged 400 to 600 miles each week selling auto parts and equipment to mechanics in the Montgomery area. Some days when I first started the job, I would hear the word ‘no’ about a thousand times. I would go home wondering, “What in the world am I doing?” I spent 26 years telling jokes on the radio every morning…I am not a salesman! The only confidence I had was the fact that I was confident I was a failure. Some days I just stayed in bed and pondered about what I should do.

One day, as I was finishing up an unsuccessful sales call, I asked God to tell me if I was doing the right thing or was I just wasting my time, the company’s time, and the time of everyone I came in contact with. As I was about to get into my car, my eye caught something on the ground. I bent down and picked it up and saw that it was a penny.

“So this is your sign?” I said as I brushed the dirt off, looked at Abe’s always stoic face and then dropped the coin into my pocket. “Thanks.” I said to myself with more than a hint of sarcasm. If it had been a $20 I had found on the ground that would have been a sign. I would also have considered a $100 to be nothing short of a miracle.

As the days passed and turned into weeks and the weeks into months I often found myself asking for that elusive sign. Sometimes the thought was still ringing in my head when I would look down and find a penny. Sometimes I found two or three at a time and one day I found 47 pennies lying in a pile on the sidewalk in front of a recently closed Family Dollar Store! It was not hard to see that God’s pennies were my sign telling me that if I just had faith in myself and what I was doing that everything would be okay.

John 14:27 says, “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” That verse is a sign from God that all we have to do is relax and stop worrying. If we take care of that, He will take care of everything else.

I still find God’s pennies, at least eight to ten each week. Like the rainbow He hung in the sky after the great flood as a promise to Noah, they look up at me from parking lots, floors in convenient stores, and some places that make me wonder, “How did that penny get here?” I always pick them up. God’s pennies have a special place on my desk in a small flower vase I picked up just for them. It is almost full; I estimate there are about 1000 pennies in that vase. I once thought I should give them away, but then I realized these are the pennies God sent to me! So I’ll keep them and use them as a reminder to myself that God is good and wants me to stop worrying, relax, and enjoy the life he gave me. I also turned out to be a pretty good salesman after all.

Have you ever asked for a sign to let you know you if you were doing the right things in your life? Have you looked down today? Maybe God left a penny for you!

I Am a Racist

I did not vote for Barack Obama…
I opposed the bailouts in 2009…
I think the health care bill is deeply flawed and will cause many problems for all Americans for generations to come…
Because of these beliefs, I have learned that I am a racist.
I had no idea.
I did not vote for Barack Obama because I did not agree with his policies or those of the Democratic Party. I opposed the bailouts because I do not believe in throwing good money after bad; I mean, you can only print so much of the stuff. The health care bill has been passed by misleading the public and using every obscure political trick in the book. Some people think they will be getting free health care…they just are not yet aware of what this free health care is going to cost them.
Last week, one of my nieces had a tea party. I attended. Now, I am a racist. So is Malibu Barbie.
I do not wish that our president would die or suffer any harm. I do wish the bailout money had gotten into the hands of the American people. I am sure that would have put some stimulus into the economy. I also wish we had a government that was not divided by party lines so they could work together on formulating a health care plan that would help all Americans. But who cares what I think? I am a racist, and racists are bad people.
What will my mother say?
Oh, by the way, I also thought ‘Cash for Clunkers’ was one huge cluster (you know what I’m sayin’?). But I had better just shut up. I am already a racist and there is no telling what people will be calling me tomorrow. Oh, the shame!

Go Ahead And Say It!

Well, it’s that time of year again when we go forth with our hard earned money to buy Christmas gifts from stores that don’t even recognize Christmas. I’m talking about those stores that sell ‘holiday’ items such as trees, lights and wreaths. (What other holiday has those things?) Somewhere, someone has decided saying Merry Christmas will get their company in trouble so they instruct their employees not to respond when they hear that greeting or just to say, ‘Happy Holidays’.
Well, I have pinned some mistletoe to my back belt loop and all you PC, whiney, ‘Somebody hurt my feelings!’ morons can start puckering up. Go ahead and say it! Say Merry Christmas! Don’t boycott the store just say ‘Merry Christmas!’ in a loud, but friendly voice to all those folks you see buying holiday trees. Don’t call the paper so somebody will write a story about how people won’t say Merry Christmas! Don’t write a letter to the editor that people will read and nod their heads and say, ‘Uh, huh…’ then use the paper to start a fire in the fireplace. Say Merry Christmas…I dare you, no I double dog dare…sorry…I triple dog dare you! Now you’ve got to do it Ralphie!
What are they going to do to you? Believe me, I have been thrown out of better places than the nation’s leading retailer. And so what if one of their employee’s head explodes?
They’ll just run on another one from the back room…they keep them on ice back there just in case of an emergency run on bottled water and toilet paper. Don’t get mad, get merry! Hand them a candy cane, pay for your Christmas tree and jiggle your jingle bells and walk merrily away!
This goes for our brothers and sisters who celebrate Chanukah too…Happy Chanukah to all and to all a good night! (I am an equal opportunity instigator!)

Things People Say That Tick Me Off

I really am an easy going person, but sometimes I hear the things that come out of

people’s mouths and I wonder how long ago they learned to walk upright and use

utensils. It may sound picky, but if you are out in the world, working and making

decisions that affect the lives of others, you should have the sense to speak

intelligently.

Here are a few words and phrases that have become my pet peeves…

1-pacific

Example: We need to pick a pacific time to have the meeting.

The word is specific and just how do you get a college degree and not know that?

2-The Silver Bullet

Example: There is no silver bullet to cure the swine flu.

I hear this on the news quite a bit. The term is magic bullet. It was used in the title of

the 1940 film Dr. Ehrlich’s Magic Bullet starring Edward G. Robinson as a doctor who

searches for a cure for syphilis (the magic bullet). Silver bullets kill werewolves.

3-It is what it is

Example: You ask someone a question and they say, “It is what it is.” Just tell me you

don’t know!

4-apples to apples

Example: Well, when you measure the difference in quality between those two items

you’re comparing apples to apples.

When you compare an apple to an apple what you have is two apples. One might be

red, one might be green but you still have two apples.

4-film

Example: The term is magic bullet. It was used in the title of the 1940 film Dr.

Ehrlich’s Magic Bullet starring Edward G. Robinson as a doctor who searches for a

cure for syphilis (the magic bullet).

Dr. Ehrlich’s Magic Bullet was a movie. It was recorded on film. When they developed

it and put it in the theatres, it became a movie, not a film.

5-pisghetti

Example: We are having pisghetti for dinner tonight.

That’s just stupid…

Those are just a few of the things that people say that tick me off. And don’t worry!

If you and I are ever talking and I hear you use one of these, or one I might have

missed I won’t bring it up. I might bite my lip until it bleeds, but I won’t say a word.

That’s all for now because I have pacifically set a time to watch this film on

television about a werewolf, who is afraid he will be shot with a magic bullet. He gets

over his fear when he stops comparing apples to apples and realizes it is what it is. I

think I will enjoy this film while munching on a plate of pisghetti. I think there is

some in the fridgerater…

I Pledge


I pledge to wake up every morning and drag my diabetes ravaged and possibly liver diseased body out of bed and go to work. That’s right, I said work. I work to make my way in the world because that’s the way I was taught. I was also taught not to depend on the government to take care of me because that is not the government’s job. The government’s job is to take care of those who cannot take care of themselves, not to enable those who can, but won’t. It is also NOT the government’s job to figure out ways to take the money I have worked for, that’s right, worked for and give it to those who won’t work.
I pledge not to plant trees, hug trees or reduce my carbon footprint. There are people who get paid to plant trees. They are called foresters and that’s what they do. They don’t need a bunch of amateurs out there planting trees in all the wrong places. I won’t hug a tree because they don’t need hugs. They can do fine without them. And my carbon footprint: I plan to find out what it is that makes a carbon footprint and try to make as big a carbon footprint as I can, just to piss people off. After I’ve made that huge carbon footprint, I plan to put up a big sign that says, “My name is Rusty and this is my carbon footprint.
Kiss my big ol’ behind.”
I plan to not only flush toilets after each and every use… #1, #2 or #37 in case I get some bad Mexican food…I will flush toilets whenever I come near one. I plan to go into every public establishment and flush their toilet. I also plan to get Drew Carey’s job hosting The Price Is Right so that at the end of each show I can say, “And don’t forget to flush your toilet…a lot!”
I pledge to track down people who say stuff like funkadelic America Funkadellia, put them in the trunk of my car and drive them over to George Clinton’s house so he can beat
the crap out of them. And if they pledge allegiance to any man whose name is not Jesus I will leave them in the trunk of that car and turn it in for Cash for Clunkers II: The Ignorance Continues.
I also pledge to stop watching movies starring anyone born after 1930. What makes these people who live further from reality than Slapout is from Singapore think they can even begin to suggest to me what I should do. Listening to these folks is like watching a monkey work a Rubik’s Cube. There’s a lot of twisting and turning but the colors don’t line up. Sorry California is having all those fires, but maybe it’s a sign to the folks who can be saved to get out of Dodge before the whole state breaks loose and floats back to OZ.
And finally:
I pledge to keep pointing out the obvious. Our president has an approval rating below 45%, he’s up to his floppy ears in crap and just can’t keep his mouth shut and in about 3 months he’s going to have to start campaigning for re-election (or re-coronation). We have got a tough row to hoe and somebody has locked up all the garden tools.