I Pledge


I pledge to wake up every morning and drag my diabetes ravaged and possibly liver diseased body out of bed and go to work. That’s right, I said work. I work to make my way in the world because that’s the way I was taught. I was also taught not to depend on the government to take care of me because that is not the government’s job. The government’s job is to take care of those who cannot take care of themselves, not to enable those who can, but won’t. It is also NOT the government’s job to figure out ways to take the money I have worked for, that’s right, worked for and give it to those who won’t work.
I pledge not to plant trees, hug trees or reduce my carbon footprint. There are people who get paid to plant trees. They are called foresters and that’s what they do. They don’t need a bunch of amateurs out there planting trees in all the wrong places. I won’t hug a tree because they don’t need hugs. They can do fine without them. And my carbon footprint: I plan to find out what it is that makes a carbon footprint and try to make as big a carbon footprint as I can, just to piss people off. After I’ve made that huge carbon footprint, I plan to put up a big sign that says, “My name is Rusty and this is my carbon footprint.
Kiss my big ol’ behind.”
I plan to not only flush toilets after each and every use… #1, #2 or #37 in case I get some bad Mexican food…I will flush toilets whenever I come near one. I plan to go into every public establishment and flush their toilet. I also plan to get Drew Carey’s job hosting The Price Is Right so that at the end of each show I can say, “And don’t forget to flush your toilet…a lot!”
I pledge to track down people who say stuff like funkadelic America Funkadellia, put them in the trunk of my car and drive them over to George Clinton’s house so he can beat
the crap out of them. And if they pledge allegiance to any man whose name is not Jesus I will leave them in the trunk of that car and turn it in for Cash for Clunkers II: The Ignorance Continues.
I also pledge to stop watching movies starring anyone born after 1930. What makes these people who live further from reality than Slapout is from Singapore think they can even begin to suggest to me what I should do. Listening to these folks is like watching a monkey work a Rubik’s Cube. There’s a lot of twisting and turning but the colors don’t line up. Sorry California is having all those fires, but maybe it’s a sign to the folks who can be saved to get out of Dodge before the whole state breaks loose and floats back to OZ.
And finally:
I pledge to keep pointing out the obvious. Our president has an approval rating below 45%, he’s up to his floppy ears in crap and just can’t keep his mouth shut and in about 3 months he’s going to have to start campaigning for re-election (or re-coronation). We have got a tough row to hoe and somebody has locked up all the garden tools.