Go Ahead And Say It!
Well, it’s that time of year again when we go forth with our hard earned money to buy Christmas gifts from stores that don’t even recognize Christmas. I’m talking about those stores that sell ‘holiday’ items such as trees, lights and wreaths. (What other holiday has those things?) Somewhere, someone has decided saying Merry Christmas will get their company in trouble so they instruct their employees not to respond when they hear that greeting or just to say, ‘Happy Holidays’.
Well, I have pinned some mistletoe to my back belt loop and all you PC, whiney, ‘Somebody hurt my feelings!’ morons can start puckering up. Go ahead and say it! Say Merry Christmas! Don’t boycott the store just say ‘Merry Christmas!’ in a loud, but friendly voice to all those folks you see buying holiday trees. Don’t call the paper so somebody will write a story about how people won’t say Merry Christmas! Don’t write a letter to the editor that people will read and nod their heads and say, ‘Uh, huh…’ then use the paper to start a fire in the fireplace. Say Merry Christmas…I dare you, no I double dog dare…sorry…I triple dog dare you! Now you’ve got to do it Ralphie!
What are they going to do to you? Believe me, I have been thrown out of better places than the nation’s leading retailer. And so what if one of their employee’s head explodes?
They’ll just run on another one from the back room…they keep them on ice back there just in case of an emergency run on bottled water and toilet paper. Don’t get mad, get merry! Hand them a candy cane, pay for your Christmas tree and jiggle your jingle bells and walk merrily away!
This goes for our brothers and sisters who celebrate Chanukah too…Happy Chanukah to all and to all a good night! (I am an equal opportunity instigator!)
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Things People Say That Tick Me Off
I really am an easy going person, but sometimes I hear the things that come out of
people’s mouths and I wonder how long ago they learned to walk upright and use
utensils. It may sound picky, but if you are out in the world, working and making
decisions that affect the lives of others, you should have the sense to speak
intelligently.
Here are a few words and phrases that have become my pet peeves…
1-pacific
Example: We need to pick a pacific time to have the meeting.
The word is specific and just how do you get a college degree and not know that?
2-The Silver Bullet
Example: There is no silver bullet to cure the swine flu.
I hear this on the news quite a bit. The term is magic bullet. It was used in the title of
the 1940 film Dr. Ehrlich’s Magic Bullet starring Edward G. Robinson as a doctor who
searches for a cure for syphilis (the magic bullet). Silver bullets kill werewolves.
3-It is what it is
Example: You ask someone a question and they say, “It is what it is.” Just tell me you
don’t know!
4-apples to apples
Example: Well, when you measure the difference in quality between those two items
you’re comparing apples to apples.
When you compare an apple to an apple what you have is two apples. One might be
red, one might be green but you still have two apples.
4-film
Example: The term is magic bullet. It was used in the title of the 1940 film Dr.
Ehrlich’s Magic Bullet starring Edward G. Robinson as a doctor who searches for a
cure for syphilis (the magic bullet).
Dr. Ehrlich’s Magic Bullet was a movie. It was recorded on film. When they developed
it and put it in the theatres, it became a movie, not a film.
5-pisghetti
Example: We are having pisghetti for dinner tonight.
That’s just stupid…
Those are just a few of the things that people say that tick me off. And don’t worry!
If you and I are ever talking and I hear you use one of these, or one I might have
missed I won’t bring it up. I might bite my lip until it bleeds, but I won’t say a word.
That’s all for now because I have pacifically set a time to watch this film on
television about a werewolf, who is afraid he will be shot with a magic bullet. He gets
over his fear when he stops comparing apples to apples and realizes it is what it is. I
think I will enjoy this film while munching on a plate of pisghetti. I think there is
some in the fridgerater…
people’s mouths and I wonder how long ago they learned to walk upright and use
utensils. It may sound picky, but if you are out in the world, working and making
decisions that affect the lives of others, you should have the sense to speak
intelligently.
Here are a few words and phrases that have become my pet peeves…
1-pacific
Example: We need to pick a pacific time to have the meeting.
The word is specific and just how do you get a college degree and not know that?
2-The Silver Bullet
Example: There is no silver bullet to cure the swine flu.
I hear this on the news quite a bit. The term is magic bullet. It was used in the title of
the 1940 film Dr. Ehrlich’s Magic Bullet starring Edward G. Robinson as a doctor who
searches for a cure for syphilis (the magic bullet). Silver bullets kill werewolves.
3-It is what it is
Example: You ask someone a question and they say, “It is what it is.” Just tell me you
don’t know!
4-apples to apples
Example: Well, when you measure the difference in quality between those two items
you’re comparing apples to apples.
When you compare an apple to an apple what you have is two apples. One might be
red, one might be green but you still have two apples.
4-film
Example: The term is magic bullet. It was used in the title of the 1940 film Dr.
Ehrlich’s Magic Bullet starring Edward G. Robinson as a doctor who searches for a
cure for syphilis (the magic bullet).
Dr. Ehrlich’s Magic Bullet was a movie. It was recorded on film. When they developed
it and put it in the theatres, it became a movie, not a film.
5-pisghetti
Example: We are having pisghetti for dinner tonight.
That’s just stupid…
Those are just a few of the things that people say that tick me off. And don’t worry!
If you and I are ever talking and I hear you use one of these, or one I might have
missed I won’t bring it up. I might bite my lip until it bleeds, but I won’t say a word.
That’s all for now because I have pacifically set a time to watch this film on
television about a werewolf, who is afraid he will be shot with a magic bullet. He gets
over his fear when he stops comparing apples to apples and realizes it is what it is. I
think I will enjoy this film while munching on a plate of pisghetti. I think there is
some in the fridgerater…
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
I Pledge
I pledge to wake up every morning and drag my diabetes ravaged and possibly liver diseased body out of bed and go to work. That’s right, I said work. I work to make my way in the world because that’s the way I was taught. I was also taught not to depend on the government to take care of me because that is not the government’s job. The government’s job is to take care of those who cannot take care of themselves, not to enable those who can, but won’t. It is also NOT the government’s job to figure out ways to take the money I have worked for, that’s right, worked for and give it to those who won’t work.
I pledge not to plant trees, hug trees or reduce my carbon footprint. There are people who get paid to plant trees. They are called foresters and that’s what they do. They don’t need a bunch of amateurs out there planting trees in all the wrong places. I won’t hug a tree because they don’t need hugs. They can do fine without them. And my carbon footprint: I plan to find out what it is that makes a carbon footprint and try to make as big a carbon footprint as I can, just to piss people off. After I’ve made that huge carbon footprint, I plan to put up a big sign that says, “My name is Rusty and this is my carbon footprint.
Kiss my big ol’ behind.”
I plan to not only flush toilets after each and every use… #1, #2 or #37 in case I get some bad Mexican food…I will flush toilets whenever I come near one. I plan to go into every public establishment and flush their toilet. I also plan to get Drew Carey’s job hosting The Price Is Right so that at the end of each show I can say, “And don’t forget to flush your toilet…a lot!”
I pledge to track down people who say stuff like funkadelic America Funkadellia, put them in the trunk of my car and drive them over to George Clinton’s house so he can beat
the crap out of them. And if they pledge allegiance to any man whose name is not Jesus I will leave them in the trunk of that car and turn it in for Cash for Clunkers II: The Ignorance Continues.
I also pledge to stop watching movies starring anyone born after 1930. What makes these people who live further from reality than Slapout is from Singapore think they can even begin to suggest to me what I should do. Listening to these folks is like watching a monkey work a Rubik’s Cube. There’s a lot of twisting and turning but the colors don’t line up. Sorry California is having all those fires, but maybe it’s a sign to the folks who can be saved to get out of Dodge before the whole state breaks loose and floats back to OZ.
And finally:
I pledge to keep pointing out the obvious. Our president has an approval rating below 45%, he’s up to his floppy ears in crap and just can’t keep his mouth shut and in about 3 months he’s going to have to start campaigning for re-election (or re-coronation). We have got a tough row to hoe and somebody has locked up all the garden tools.
I pledge to wake up every morning and drag my diabetes ravaged and possibly liver diseased body out of bed and go to work. That’s right, I said work. I work to make my way in the world because that’s the way I was taught. I was also taught not to depend on the government to take care of me because that is not the government’s job. The government’s job is to take care of those who cannot take care of themselves, not to enable those who can, but won’t. It is also NOT the government’s job to figure out ways to take the money I have worked for, that’s right, worked for and give it to those who won’t work.
I pledge not to plant trees, hug trees or reduce my carbon footprint. There are people who get paid to plant trees. They are called foresters and that’s what they do. They don’t need a bunch of amateurs out there planting trees in all the wrong places. I won’t hug a tree because they don’t need hugs. They can do fine without them. And my carbon footprint: I plan to find out what it is that makes a carbon footprint and try to make as big a carbon footprint as I can, just to piss people off. After I’ve made that huge carbon footprint, I plan to put up a big sign that says, “My name is Rusty and this is my carbon footprint.
Kiss my big ol’ behind.”
I plan to not only flush toilets after each and every use… #1, #2 or #37 in case I get some bad Mexican food…I will flush toilets whenever I come near one. I plan to go into every public establishment and flush their toilet. I also plan to get Drew Carey’s job hosting The Price Is Right so that at the end of each show I can say, “And don’t forget to flush your toilet…a lot!”
I pledge to track down people who say stuff like funkadelic America Funkadellia, put them in the trunk of my car and drive them over to George Clinton’s house so he can beat
the crap out of them. And if they pledge allegiance to any man whose name is not Jesus I will leave them in the trunk of that car and turn it in for Cash for Clunkers II: The Ignorance Continues.
I also pledge to stop watching movies starring anyone born after 1930. What makes these people who live further from reality than Slapout is from Singapore think they can even begin to suggest to me what I should do. Listening to these folks is like watching a monkey work a Rubik’s Cube. There’s a lot of twisting and turning but the colors don’t line up. Sorry California is having all those fires, but maybe it’s a sign to the folks who can be saved to get out of Dodge before the whole state breaks loose and floats back to OZ.
And finally:
I pledge to keep pointing out the obvious. Our president has an approval rating below 45%, he’s up to his floppy ears in crap and just can’t keep his mouth shut and in about 3 months he’s going to have to start campaigning for re-election (or re-coronation). We have got a tough row to hoe and somebody has locked up all the garden tools.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Michael and Farrah...oh yeah...and Ed
I never met Michael Jackson or Farrah Fawcett but I, like so may others feel a connection to them both. Michael sang and danced and he and his brothers had their own cartoon show on Saturday morning. That was cool. Farrah came along at a time when I really first started noticing girls. That was cool too.
Charlie? Who was Charlie? All I remember is this great tv show with three really good looking ladies running around chasing bad guys and looking good doing it. (To me, the remake with those other three nice looking ladies pales in comparison.) And unlike many of the younger people I know, I remember when Michael was black.
They both got really strange as time went by. Michael reinvented himself in his own image, bought himself a chimp and started sleeping in an iron lung machine (that could just be a rumor, but it was in the Enquirer). Farrah showed up on David Letterman stoned out of her mind and giggly. But Michael wasn't the only one with a monkey. Elvis had one too. And since Farrah showed up wasted on tv, so has Danny DeVito and that Phoenix kid with the weird first name. Before that, Elizabeth Taylor showed up on 60 Minutes (I think) drunk and went off on a tangent about Road Runner cartoons.
There are a whole lot of Michael/Elvis connections in that last paragraph. Monkeys, Elizabeth Taylor, showing up high, (Elvis was reportedly wasted when he made a late night call on President Nixon). Not to mention the Farrah/Elizabeth Taylor wasted on tv connection...and the Elvis/Michael/I married your daughter connection...the Danny DeVito moonwalk video on Youtube.com...the possibilities go on and on...I won't even get into Michael's legal problems.
Bottom line is, this week we lost Michael, Farrah and Ed MacMahon. It is sad, but they all had full lives, were loved by millions, and are being mourned by their fans and the world. What more can one ask but to remembered when we're gone? (And by the way before you go and look, there is no Danny DeVito moonwalk video on Youtube.com.)
And life goes on...Hiyoooooo!
Charlie? Who was Charlie? All I remember is this great tv show with three really good looking ladies running around chasing bad guys and looking good doing it. (To me, the remake with those other three nice looking ladies pales in comparison.) And unlike many of the younger people I know, I remember when Michael was black.
They both got really strange as time went by. Michael reinvented himself in his own image, bought himself a chimp and started sleeping in an iron lung machine (that could just be a rumor, but it was in the Enquirer). Farrah showed up on David Letterman stoned out of her mind and giggly. But Michael wasn't the only one with a monkey. Elvis had one too. And since Farrah showed up wasted on tv, so has Danny DeVito and that Phoenix kid with the weird first name. Before that, Elizabeth Taylor showed up on 60 Minutes (I think) drunk and went off on a tangent about Road Runner cartoons.
There are a whole lot of Michael/Elvis connections in that last paragraph. Monkeys, Elizabeth Taylor, showing up high, (Elvis was reportedly wasted when he made a late night call on President Nixon). Not to mention the Farrah/Elizabeth Taylor wasted on tv connection...and the Elvis/Michael/I married your daughter connection...the Danny DeVito moonwalk video on Youtube.com...the possibilities go on and on...I won't even get into Michael's legal problems.
Bottom line is, this week we lost Michael, Farrah and Ed MacMahon. It is sad, but they all had full lives, were loved by millions, and are being mourned by their fans and the world. What more can one ask but to remembered when we're gone? (And by the way before you go and look, there is no Danny DeVito moonwalk video on Youtube.com.)
And life goes on...Hiyoooooo!
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